8

Wednesday, January 20, 2021, 10:00 AM Eastern Standard Time

A mile or so away, in the Senate Dining Room, the Senate Majority Leader was sitting across the table from a Very Important Donor. A plexiglass shield bisected the table, since the major virus outbreak among Republicans the previous autumn; each of them had earbuds linked to their phones for the purposes of discreet conversation. Latex-gloved, masked waiters cruised between tables, refilling water glasses.

“So,” the VID said. “Big day for all of us, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” the Majority Leader said. “For a while it looked pretty touch-and-go. The virus had me pretty glum about six months ago.”

“It was a crazy year,” the VID said, reaching for his icewater.

“But then the virus ended up saving us. People love to root for someone overcoming illness. And people hate riots, and crave order. And Democrat voters turned out to be uniquely easy to scare away from the polls, especially after the President got the virus. And the mail-in vote was easy to suppress. I know you were less than pleased when we were forced to pass those emergency stimulus packages, but unemployment had spiked, and people were dying, and minorities were rebelling against law and order, and rioting for food, and we thought unless we showed some flexibility, the Republican brand was toast.”

“Well, we were not crazy about that. But all in all, a remarkable achievement.”

“And then there were the MK medallions. That was a stroke of genius on the part of Maxfield King and the President’s son-in-law. A private sector solution to ensuring public health. And control of those precious medallions could ensure that our voters turned out, and their voters were not allowed in, not even by their own poll-watchers. And many of the profits made from the medallions – and the drugs, and the ventilators, and the other equipment – have made their way into our campaign coffers! Talk about a win-win-win! …But overall,” he hastened to add, “it was largely thanks to your generosity and vision that we turned this whole crisis into an opportunity and cemented the President’s – and the Republican Senate’s and House’s – victory.”

“Or did we?” the Donor said. “We’ve ended in a 269-269 tie, and there are still decisions to be made about who won certain districts.”

The Majority Leader waved these concerns aside. “The Supreme Court has ruled,” he said. “Nothing can change that. By the time the ‘final’ vote totals are in, it will all be a moot point. And that Supreme Court decision is what you paid for. Not directly, of course, that would be bribery.” He chuckled, but his eyes were not smiling. He looked around to make sure no one else was within listening range.

The VID turned his fluted glass upward, finished his mimosa, and impatiently gestured to a nearby masked black waiter for a refill. “Now, how about the rollback of Medicare and Social Security, as well as the final dismantlement of Okomocare? Many of our boys” – he had to correct himself again, political correctness was certainly a chore in this city – “many of the members of our network have made it clear to me that Entitlement Reform was their top priority, and there are people even on our side saying that might have to wait while everyone gets a big handout till this recession is over.” He leaned back and extended his $10,000 Lucchese cowboy boots under the table.

“Of course,” the Majority Leader went on in his lugubrious monotone, “because our members, unlike yours, need to win re-election on a regular basis, they cannot be as forthright publicly as your network members are able to be. Ending Social Security and Medicare – and of course food stamps and welfare and Medicaid – as well as the anti-freedom socialist Okomocare, are the right things to do.”

“You better believe it,” the VID said a bit heatedly. “These socialist schemes destroy the initiative of the workers of America. Why get up and use your head to face your situation if the Nanny State is going to be there every time a few people start to cough, feeding your hungry kids and handing you the rent money?”

“I’m happy to say we are on the same page,” the Majority Leader answered almost warmly, shooing a Hispanic waitress away. “Now after this first term, seeing how amenable the President was to that very generous tax cut for our job creators, how he celebrated it in the Rose Garden with all of us, well, even if he does try for a third term, which between us, I think we are far closer to achieving than you might believe, well, I think we will be able to get him to come around on that.”

“That’s why,” the Majority Leader continued, fiddling with his Rolex, “I think this is the exact time to press our advantage, through securing the integrity of elections by demanding Real ID, shutting off remaining mail-in voting options, and closing voter registration facilities down in unfavorable counties. As long as Republican Senators and a Republican President keep filling the federal benches with reliable conservatives, this may be just the beginning for us. But we have an entire set of further reforms we are working on to make sure that unfortunate demographic changes do not threaten the very nature of this nation.”

“Such as?” The VID leaned forward, intrigued.

“Well, to start with, we have taken inspiration from our Democrat friends who were shooting their mouths off during the last four years,” the Majority Leader answered. “You see, some of the more radical among them announced they were in favor of some truly unprecedented moves to expand their power and undo much of the good work we have done. Well, when they were yelling about that, they probably never calculated that it was us, and not them, who would control all branches of government in 2021. So, I have had some preliminary discussions with my caucus about two particular items that we playfully call ‘the Democrat 2021 Agenda.’”

“I’m all ears,” the VID said.

“Well, first of all, they proposed expanding the Supreme Court, as the Constitution allows the Congress to do. Of course, they forgot one little detail – they forgot to win Congress and the Presidency in 2020.”

“I have to admit, I was prepared for the worst November 3,” the VID said. “But even I was amazed at how they dissolved into competing factions and refused to unite.”

“Well, mystifying to some, and their factionalism surely did make defeating them as easy as pushing on an open door, but I wouldn’t say that we had nothing to do with that collapse.”

“Of course. And to think some people were saying that the Russians had something on Republican leadership,” the VID said, staring at the Majority Leader to gauge his reaction.

At this, the Majority Leader turned a bit pale, but continued with his peroration, after a long drink of water.

“There were very well-coordinated efforts on our part, especially on social media, to exacerbate their divisions and make sure they never coalesced.”

The Majority Leader thought back to the crazy months preceding the election, and all the work his “plumbers” had put in, as well as the incompetence of their opposition. The “technical malfunctions” in the Iowa Caucuses; the persistence of certain candidates thanks to mysterious SuperPAC contributions; the dry run of the Wisconsin primary election, in which Republicans used the pandemic to try to massively depress turnout in the harder-hit Democrat precincts, as a rehearsal for the fall (failing to get the result they wanted, but learning what did and didn’t work in the process); the sudden, seemingly random, entry of an erratic but popular African-American rap star as an independent candidate to strip away African- American voters from the Democrat; the sabotage of the Postal Service; the waterfall of “October Surprises” they had dropped on the eventual nominee, and finally, the replacement of swing state electors chosen by voters with slates chosen by the Republican legislatures.

And, of course, they had made sure there were plenty of viral phone-video scenes of chaos at urban polling places that his people had cooked up in advance of the election and posted on the morning of November 3.

“You fellas did a bang-up job, I’ll admit it,” the VID said.

“Well, when your back is to the wall, the real creativity comes out.”

“Indeed.”

And that’s the one thing our Democrat friends never seem to appreciate, the Majority Leader thought to himself. We will always go far beyond where they would go. And more than that, we will go far beyond where they are prepared to believe we will go. Willie Horton in 1988, the “Brooks Brothers Riot” at the 2000 Florida recount, smearing a ‘war hero’ Democrat in 2004, smearing the 2016 Democratic candidate, ramming through an election in Wisconsin in which the main stronghold of Democrat voters has been reduced from 180 polling places to five, monkey-wrenching the mail and the Census, simply overriding voter preferences by having the state legislatures declare “vote fraud” and an “emergency” and replace their chosen electors with Republican ones…

The Majority Leader said aloud, “We play for keeps, and the Democrats simply do not.”

“Indeed.”

“But we cannot count on these tactics, brilliant as they have been, to continue to work with this anti-American demographic wave we are facing,” he continued. “Therefore, we are going to proceed with all deliberate speed to add six justices to the Supreme Court.”

“Six? Wow,” the VID said, whistling. “With Democrat deaths opening two seats – ”

“One, shall we say, overdue death, and the less-anticipated recent second one, thanks to the virus.”

“That turns a 5-4 majority into an 13-2 majority,” the VID continued.

“That is the hope,” the Majority Leader said.

“Well, that’s one, and a big one. What’s the second thing?”

“The Democrat loudmouths at one moment in time were bemoaning their fate because, although they had a very large majority of the popular vote for their Senate candidates, they persistently have been at a disadvantage in the number of Senators that they can actually elect.”

“The Senate is God’s natural gerrymander,” the VID said.

“And yet we have failed to press our full advantage there,” the Majority Leader continued. “Some Democrat extremists helpfully pointed out that the Constitution also allows the Congress to create new states. They were proposing the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, of course.”

“Of course.”

“Well, one of their number, writing in a liberal-biased media outlet, once again helpfully pointed out that Congress could, if they wished, divide the District of Columbia up into, say, twenty pieces, each a solid blue state for them.”

“Interesting.”

“Of course, once again, they have failed to do the basic blocking and tackling – and unifying – necessary to even have a chance in hell at putting these schemes into practice. Instead, they have left us with the power to potentially use their own ideas against them, but with more imagination and thoroughness.”

“How?”

“Thank goodness for that Democrat loudmouth. You see, we don’t have an already existing Republican Puerto Rico or Washington, but we can carve new Republican states out of already solidly Republican states. We’ve put some feelers out to some state parties, through deniable channels, and they are enthusiastically for it.”

“How many states are you thinking of dividing?”

“We are proposing basically all the large-majority dependable Republican states in the South and Midwest and West, as well as Alaska. Texas is a tough one. They do love being the biggest state, so they will be happy to see Alaska chopped up, but we may have to hold up on North Texas, East Texas, West Texas.”

“Where else?”

“Alabama is a no-brainer. Mississippi is dicey – they do have a very large negro population.” (The Leader pronounced this penultimate word as if the first vowel were a short ‘i.’) “West Virginia is easy. The Dakotas, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas are all pretty straightforward. Missouri might be a stretch. Wyoming is a one-foot putt. Idaho too. Utah is, of course, idiosyncratic, but in the end should present few problems.”

“This sounds very exciting,” the VID said. “As long as they produce Republican senators that can be depended upon to support our agenda.”

“That’s the great advantage we have gained by having the party united behind one man, period,” the Leader went on. “Anything that we can portray as supporting him, they will back to the death. So, I think we can be pretty certain that this plan will get their support. We may not always agree with his methods, or even his policies, but he has made some nearly unthinkable actions almost easy toaccomplish.”

“So, let’s see. From my count, being conservative, that’s at least one extra state from West Virginia, Alabama, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, both Dakotas, Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, and Alaska?”

“We were thinking of dividing Alaska in three.”

“So, we will have at least 12 new states, all Republican. Twenty-four more dependable Republican votes.”

“That’s right. You are an excellent vote-counter. I could use you as a whip. Of course,” the Leader said, “that doesn’t even count the up to 12 or so added House members who should also be reliable Republicans. Not to mention,” the Majority Leader said, smiling his odd toothless broad-lipped smile, “the House seats we will gain from our unfortunately virus-attenuated Census process, which completely avoided whole neighborhoods that seemed… unhealthy to our census collectors, and of course undercounted in city neighborhoods where computer ownership was less than universal.”

“Brilliant,” the VID said, sitting back. “Well, you’ve done more for fracking and shareholder value and unrestrained American capitalism than any Majority Leader in history,” the VID said. “If this plan succeeds, you may end up being more significant in our national history than all but a couple of Presidents. Maybe even this one.”

“Well, that’s kind of you to say,” the Leader answered, unsmilingly. Then he turned philosophical. “It is a great day. I think we all harbored – hell, may still harbor – doubts about our friend at 1600. But we have to admit that he has been, if not the ideal avatar for our hopes and dreams, at least an effective, though perhaps an unlovely, exponent for them.”

“Well that’s some pretty fancy speechifying. I guess that’s why you’re the politician, and not me,” the VID said, rising to his feet to leave. “You’ll pardon me, but I have to get back to my frackin’. I would appreciate it if you could privately keep me up to date on those two innovations. We will be in touch about the next steps with respect to Entitlement Reform. Any financial or other assistance you need to get that done asap, you let me know. Maybe call it somethin’ like ‘The Restore American Entrepreneurialism Act.’ Or maybe just ‘The Make America Greater Act.’”

“Maybe you should be running for office,” the Leader said, withholding his damp hand from the VID’s proffered one, as they both laughed at their uncomfortably “liberal” social distancing practices.