49

Wednesday, February 17, 2021, 12PM Central Standard Time

“There is a dark force in our politics,” Mike said, in an ominous tone.

“Here we go,” said Pete. “Where are those tacos, Janet? We need some mouth-blockers.”

“They’re in Guatemala,” she said. “Held up at the border. Gettin’ their papers checked.”

“Do you need some pesos to speed it up?”

“That always works,” she said. “But I gotta go have a cigarette.”

“Give the ICE guy one, maybe he’ll speed things along,” Mike said.

“Pedro!” Janet yelled back at the cook, invisible to them in the kitchen. “When I get back from my ciggy break, those tacos better be ready.”

Janet went through the kitchen toward the back porch.

“Okay, lay it on me,” Pete said. “There’s a dark force. What conspiracy theory do you have today?”

“Okay, you know how the universe is expanding, and they’re always trying to measure how much mass is in it, so they can calculate whether the expansion will continue forever, or slow down and then reverse, because the momentum of the expansion can’t be maintained because the gravity from the mass will slow it down and reverse it?”

“This is why I come to Taco Wednesdays,” Pete said. “The light conversations.”

“Well, anyway, for a while they thought that the amount of mass in the universe was way too small to slow the expansion down. Based on the speed of the expansion and the amount of visible shit in the universe, there was no way the universe would ever stop expanding. All the stars were going to get farther and farther away from one another until they all burned out, and then the planets would freeze, and that would be that, the universe continuing to expand in frozen darkness forever, end of story.”

“So, it’s kind of like this place in February.”

“Except no spring, ever.”

“Exactly. It’s fucking freezing out there. And I haven’t seen the sun for weeks.”

“Anyway,” Mike said, “it turns out that there’s a whole lot more mass in the universe than they thought. Only it’s not visible.”

“Is this what you tell your dates? ‘There’s a whole lot more mass there than you think, it’s just not visible?’”

Mike ignored this.

“So, they measured the expansion of the universe, found it was slowing, and now they think there has to be far more mass out there than they thought. They now think that the vast majority of mass in the universe is invisible. Like 85% of it.”

“Thank you for the science lesson. I think I need another beer to forget it already.”

“So, I think there’s an analogy to our politics.”

“Of course you do, you analogizin’ son of a gun.”

“Everyone talks about the white working class and why they support the President. Well, when you ask them what they value, what they want, it sounds a lot like the platform of the Democratic party, may its soul rest in peace. But the white working classes keep voting against what they say they want, and against their measurable economic interests, as well. So there is some dark matter, some dark force out there, that makes them vote against their interests.”

“What about limousine liberals?”

“What do you mean?”

“They are rich, but they are constantly trying to get the government to raise their taxes. Isn’t that against their interests? What’s their ‘dark matter’?”

Mike looked at Pete.

“That is an excellent point,” he said. “Maybe no one really votes in their economic interests. Except the billionaires. They are getting exactly the tax cuts they paid for with their campaign contributions. But I would say that the real dark force in our politics is the one that makes white working-class people vote for Republicans when Republicans just do everything they can to kill them.”

“Why is our matter dark? And is your liberal matter light?”

“It’s dark because I as far as I can see, it all boils down to ‘Fuck you.’”

“Really? All my politics boils down to ‘Fuck you’?”

“In the end, I think it does. Okomo did a good job for the working classes. He saved us from Depression Two Point Oh.”

“That’s debatable.”

“Okay, then compare what he did to what your side predicted. Okomo was going to take away your Bibles. He was going to take away your guns. He was going to turn America into a socialist state.”

“Okomocare was kind of that,” Pete said quickly.

“No, it wasn’t, as I have shown you time and again, not by light years,” Mike said. “To continue: He was going to cause hyperinflation and debase the currency. He was going to never leave office because he was going to cancel the 2016 elections. He was going to cause more 9/11s because he was going to welcome terrorists with tea and sympathy. He was going to destroy the American military.”

“He did that,” Pete said. “My cousin is in the Navy, and Okomo came on his aircraft carrier, and he said Okomo hated the military.”

“Sure,” Mike said. “Some swabby seeing the world through a porthole gets within 300 yards of the President and suddenly he knows the inmost thoughts of the Commander-in-Chief. Aside from anything else, if you were President, and hated the military, and didn’t want anyone to know about it, I’m sure the first thing you would do is go on board an aircraft carrier crammed with enlisted people and talk loosely about how you hate the military. Pardon me for not swallowing that. To continue…”

“By all means, your majesty.”

“To continue: He was going to promote Islam, because he was a secret Muslim, and he was going to close Christian churches. He was going to drop Israel as an ally. He was going to close the New York Stock Exchange, which was going to crash and burn because of all the socialism. He was going to jail bankers and Wall Street types. He was going to raise taxes to 90%. He was going to have the government take over private businesses.”

“He did that – the car companies.”

“Sure, he SAVED the car companies. Then after they were saved, the government sold the stock at a profit. Thanks for reminding me – he was also going to lose all the bailout money that was laid out to the banks and auto companies.”

“He didn’t?”

“No, he didn’t. We, the People, made money on all those bailouts. They were all paid back with interest. But speaking of stock, let’s take stock, shall we? No Bibles taken away. More guns in America than people by the end of his term. No socialism – ” here he turned to Pete with a look of warning – “NO SOCIALISM, no, not even in health care. Lowest inflation in American history. Dollar strong as ever. 2016 elections went off on schedule and elected the exact opposite of him, and he left office right on time, offering a smooth transition that was not exactly followed up on, but that’s not his fault.”

Janet came up with two hands laden with tacos.

“Please, save me,” Pete said.

“I’m busy,” she said. “Save yourself.” She laid the baskets on the bar and walked away.

“It’s a cold cold expanding world,” Pete said.

“To continue: No more 9/11s. No terrorists being welcomed. In fact, the guy who did 9/11 was killed in a raid ordered by Okomo. The military was as strong as ever, with the budget increased, until the Republicans slapped on spending constraints – ‘sequestration’ – that damaged the economic recovery.”

“He also said he wanted to reduce the budget deficit, and he signed off on sequestration.”

“Well lookee here, my little boy has been reading the Wall Street Sentinel. How about that.”

“It’s true.”

“Yes, it is true. He signed off on sequestration, but it was at gunpoint, more or less. And all that debt ceiling brinksmanship the Republicans pulled. Did you know they raised the debt ceiling 19 times under his predecessor, without a peep? Hypocrites.”

“Ain’t it awful.”

“To finish…”

“I don’t believe you. That you’re finishing.”

“To finish: by the end of his second term, there had been no churches closed; Israel was still a huge ally; the New York Stock Exchange was in record high territory; no bankers or Wall Street types jailed; taxes just slightly higher, almost to where they had been before his predecessor cut them; no government takeovers of private companies. NOTHING that was said about him turned out to be true. But have Republicans changed their minds at all about any of that stuff? No. Back down in the lower reptile brainstem, they believe that all those lies are true still. Nothing of what they predicted happened. NOTHING.”

“I disagree,” Pete said, and took a big bite of taco.

“You are presented with facts, and you disagree, without offering me any other facts or reasoning. THIS, my friend, is the Dark Force in action.”

Pete munched on his taco placidly.

“You see?” Mike said. “Your basic answer to me presenting you with these inarguable facts is, ‘Fuck you.’ That’s what it boils down to. ‘I don’t care that nothing I said would happen actually happened, or that I’m wrong and you are right. Fuck you. I want everything my way.’ Hell, now, with this President, it’s been jacked up to another level. ‘I’m going to be wrong on everything on purpose, just to show you people who paid attention in school and made something of yourselves the way we were all told to do that I can be wrong and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.’”

Pete answered while chewing slowly.

“You’re not wrong. You’re just an asshole.”

Mike grinned.

“Did you know they did a test on various American males from different parts of the country, and their reactions to certain names they could be called?”

“No, but I have a feeling you are going to tell me about it.”

“The scientists hooked them up to some gizmo that measures heart rate, blood pressure, sweat, temperature, that kind of thing. Northern males, when called names, didn’t have any real physiological reaction to them. But Southern males had spikes when they were called insulting names. There was one magic word that drove them insane.”

“Let me guess: ‘Liberal?’” Pete said, smirking.

“No, surprisingly. It was ‘Asshole.’ Their BP and pulse and sweat went nuts. They basically got homicidal. I think that’s the ‘Fuck You’ phenomenon in its purest form.”

“Well, I ain’t Southern, but ‘Fuck You’ all the same.”

“Well I do declare,” Mike said. “But I still think there’s this dark force, this ‘Fuck You’ force, that is killing the country right now. Everything that has actually made us great, like strong central government, adequate taxes on rich people, reasonable wealth equality, huge investment in research and development, respect for science, investment in the next generation instead of seeing them as marks to be beaten out of college loan repayments, immigration, and especially anything that is given to anyone who doesn’t look like us, is being shut down. Think about when America was ACTUALLY great. When would you say that was?”

“I’m not gonna answer that,” Pete said. “I detect a trap.”

“You’re right, it is a trap,” Mike said. “A trap for anyone who is trying to get away with something. Let’s say that America was greatest in the postwar period, the 1950s and 1960s.”

Pete refused to be drawn.

“Well, what was the highest federal income tax rate then? 91%. Under Ike Eisenhower. We were building the interstate highway system. The moon program started around then. CEOs made more than regular workers, but more like 10 to 1, not 300 to 1. Investment in schools was adequate. The Cold War had us investing in technology. But then we hit some bumps economically. Oil prices surged. Inflation went nuts. So, Saint Ronald came in and declared that we could have it all – no taxes, total freedom, the private sector would take care of everything. Then the Cold War went away, and this me-me-me thing of hating on the government went ballistic. Suddenly, privatization took over the fucking country. Inferior, or at least not superior, charter schools sucked funds from public school systems, destroying their funding base, on purpose. The kids in the damaged public schools dropped out, shoplifted or blew a jay, and went to privatized jails that gave kickbacks to judges to cram them full of nonviolent ‘offenders.’ The ones who didn’t go to jail went to Iraq and served next to guys who were private contractors making ten times what they made. When they came home from Iraq with PTSD, they enrolled in for-profit colleges that suck up federal loan money and provide useless ‘education’ for careers that don’t exist. So, the ‘graduates’ end up in debt to their eyeballs and unemployed, still with PTSD, or get jobs for next to nothing in the private sector, maybe driving Unter cabs until they crash, get injured, and go on disability. Then they go on opioid painkillers they were prescribed by doctors because the manufacturers got sweet deals from the government. They get hooked, and then when the prescription runs out, they go on heroin and they go to jail and the private sector company running the prison gets another cut from the government. By the way, I just told the story of a cousin-in-law of mine, I think. Privatization, not too much government, is murdering our country.”

“Jesus,” Pete said. “Eat your taco.”

“And it all goes back to the dark ‘Fuck you’ force. You think you’re sticking it to me when you vote for the President, but what you’re really doing is screwing all of us, and especially your kids.”

“Fucking kids,” Pete said, swallowing his last bit of taco. “They have it coming.”

“You joke,” Mike said. “But they are seriously screwed.”

“Okay,” Pete said, without food in his mouth. “You eat, and I’ll talk.”

“Rroh-kray,” Mike said, finally digging into his lunch.

“Why are we all like, ‘Fuck you,’ to the Democrats? Here’s what I think. Democrats always seem to have a government solution to every problem. And the solution is always like 13,000 pages long, and has almost no relationship to real life outside Washington.”

Mike looked like he was about to interject something in reply, but instead started choking on his taco.

“See? Washington would have a 13,000-page document to stop you choking. But me, the private sector? I would just give you the Heimlich and we could go on with our day.”

Pete got up, slowly, as Mike continued to choke.

“You want me to call Washington for you? So they could do a study? What’s that?” he said, leaning in, ear cocked toward Mike.

“You want the study? No?”

Pete went behind Mike, put his arms around his midriff, and pulled back sharply. Mike spat out some taco.

“Jesus,” Mike said. “I told you this stuff would kill us.”

“See what I mean? Total private sector non-government response, and you’re good to go. Have some beer.”

Mike drank a little beer, coughing before and after.

“So, we have these problems in America, and the smart people all say, ‘Look, I have this 13,000-page solution that will solve everything!’ And what happens? Things get worse for regular working people. But do the smart people ever say, “Oops, I made a mistake!’? Of course not. They just pile in with another 13,000- page plan that screws everything up worse. The problem with Democrats is, they don’t have common sense. They create some big complex program, and people like them get to work on it, and they might have good intentions, but taxes go up and things don’t get better for people like us. I’ve got another example: busing. Now, there’s segregation, and that is bad, and so black kids go to shit schools, because the schools are neighborhood-based, and the neighborhoods are segregated. So, the smart liberals get together and say, ‘Let’s bus the white kids to the black schools, and vice-versa.’ So, the white parents go nuts. They protest. And liberals call them ‘racists.’ But the liberals don’t live in the neighborhoods where the white working-class people are. The liberals won’t have to bus their own kids to black schools. Hell, the liberals don’t even KNOW any black people, and they’ve never lived close to them. But they go ahead and force busing onto the white neighborhoods. And what happens? The white people leave the public school system and start their own schools. The black kids are bused, but there are no white kids in the schools they get bused to, so eventually the whole thing falls apart. Is that common sense? No. It was a 13,000-page plan imposed on white working-class people by rich liberals who would never be affected by it, but who got to stand over those white working-class people waving their fingers and saying, ‘Bad racist lowlifes!’ So, what’s my reaction to that? My reaction to that is basically ‘Fuck You.’ I saw Okomo as a similar kind of liberal. His plans were too complicated. They lacked common sense. So, I went a different way last election.”

Mike’s head hung low, almost in his food. He picked his head up and took another drink and coughed. Finally, he spoke.

“I think there’s a lot of truth to that. But it doesn’t explain such a violent swing in a random direction that has completely disrupted the country. Okomo wasn’t a Muslim. He was born here. He didn’t take away guns or bibles or destroy capitalism or the health system or the dollar. None of that has anything to do with liberals sometimes being too complicated in their solutions. It’s something darker.”

“Okay,” Pete said.

“No, don’t shut me down, man,” Mike said, still coughing a little. “I accept the truth of what you say. There is a lack of common sense. There were too many complicated plans proposed in the last election by the Democratic candidates. What they should have done is said simple things, like ‘No one should lose their house over medical bills,’ and then said they were open to any solution that met that standard. ‘College graduates – or graduates of professional training programs – should not graduate with $200,000 in debt, because it defeats the whole purpose of education, which is to give the next generation a leg up.’ Instead they said, ‘Look at my complicated plan, doesn’t this show how serious I am,’ and people like you said, probably correctly, ‘There is no way in hell this complicated plan is going to either get through Congress or solve my problems,’ and kaboom, here we are with President Moron, who has no plan at all.”

“If we are not careful, we may find some common ground,” Pete said.

“Don’t worry,” Mike said, hoarsely. “I have a feeling it’s far too late to save the country. Two more beers, please, Janet.”

© 2020 Nolan O’Brian