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Saturday, March 13, 2021, 11AM Eastern European Time
The emergency conference call between the prime minister of Latvia, the president and prime minister of Lithuania, the prime minister of Estonia, and the Secretary- General of NATO began a few minutes late, in the usual perfectly fluent but slightly accented English that was the lingua franca of almost all NATO calls, except those on which the French were included.
“Why does Lithuania get two people on the call? Our presidents will be hearing about this,” the prime minister of Latvia groused.
“This is what happens when you put your constitution up to a vote,” the prime minister of Estonia said. “‘Semi-presidential system.’ What does that even mean?”
“There is nothing we can do, guys,” the Lithuanian president said, apologetically. “The legal protocol demands it.”
“The law is the law and protocol is protocol,” the prime minister of Latvia said.
“Can we begin, gentlemen?” the NATO Secretary General asked, a bit plaintively.
“Yes,” the Lithuanian prime minister said. “Where the hell did this Wolf News story come from?
“We are not sure,” the Secretary-General said, apologetically now.
“‘Heads of Baltic States mocked U.S. President, disparaged Americans as stupid in drink-fueled sauna session?” the president of Lithuania said, angrily. “We’ve never all been in the same place, much less been drinking in a sauna. What are we, Finns?”
“It’s obvious where this is coming from,” the prime minister of Estonia said. “This is the work of our friends from the east. One friend in particular. The usual suspect.”
“Duh,” the Latvian prime minister said.
“It says here I called the president of the United States ‘a complete douchebag,’ the Estonian said. “What is this ‘douchebag?’ Is it a term of abuse?”
“I supposedly called him ‘a stupid orangutan,’ the Latvian prime minister said. “I have never said any such thing. Even though he did mistake the Baltics for the Balkans in November 2018, and told us we were to blame for the Yugoslavian wars. That’s sixteen hundred kilometers away from us. A thousand miles! Isn’t his wife from the former Yugoslavia?”
“That does not shock me. He told the prime minister of India last year ‘It’s not like you have China on your border,’” the Lithuanian prime minister said. “I guess that border war they have been fighting has been just a mistake. But listen to this. I, or maybe my president here, allegedly called him ‘a tiny-handed impotent gorilla- man.’ These are good lines for a comedian, I think, but they are news to me.”
The Estonian said, “And one of us called the American people ‘stinking rubes with the intelligence of a dyslexic turnip.’ No one here said anything like this, right?”
The Latvian prime minister said, “You know, we’d better be careful. This is turning into a roast. We have to think we are being taped here.”
The Estonian replied, “At this point, who cares? Even if we said he had Einstein’s mind and Matthew McConaughey’s body, they’d tell Wolf News we said he had McConaughey’s brain and Einstein’s body!”
The Latvian prime minister said, “President McConaughey… does not sound too terrible at this moment, no?”
“Let’s focus here,” said the Lithuanian president. “This thing says that it was ‘the heads of the Baltic republics.’ Are we…sure… that your presidents have not gotten together without your knowledge? Americans do have very little knowledge of our governmental systems, in my experience.”
“No,” yelled the prime ministers of Latvia and Estonia loudly and in unison.
“Okay, I’m just asking,” said the president of Lithuania, in a slightly hurt tone.
“The obvious question everyone in our country, and I assume all of yours, is asking is, ‘Can we depend upon NATO to defend us against the Russians?’ Because we all know that they are the ones who planted this vicious baseless slur.”
The Secretary General paused before he spoke again.
“Gentlemen,” he said, “I regret to inform you that the President of the United States has already ordered all his forces out of the Baltic Republics. They will begin their withdrawal today. In an hour.”
There was silence at the other end, then pandemonium.
“Will they be replaced?”
“We invoke Article 5!”
“You must bring up other troops to replace them!”
“We invoke Article 5!”
When the yelling had subsided, the Secretary General said wearily, “As you all know, Article 5 cannot be invoked by a member state of NATO until that state has actually been attacked.”
“We’re sitting ducks,” the Latvian prime minister said.
“Jėzus Kristus,” one of the Lithuanians said.
“Keppima!” the Estonian shouted.
“We are scrambling to put together a replacement force,” the Secretary-General said patiently. “However, I must tell you now that no nation has yet agreed to supply troops to replace the Americans.”
There was a depressed silence on the other end of the line. After a moment, the Estonian spoke.
“Did you have to say ‘I must tell you now?’ Very Neville Chamberlain.”
The Latvian said, “Well, we might as well meet in a sauna and get drunk at this point, because gentlemen, very shortly, we will become Finland.”
“I will be in touch with each of you,” the Secretary-General said.
“I think we all need to be in touch with each other at this point,” the Lithuanian president said. “And we will need our military chiefs to be on the call. Can we add them?” he asked an unseen aide.
“I suggest we reconvene in half an hour, with all the heads of our general staffs included,” the Estonian prime minister said. “All agreed?”
All agreed.
© 2020 Nolan O’Brian